"In order to fully recover from divorce, you must give yourself a chance to grieve, to rebuild, to discover, to heal, and to love."

It's over. You've signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved. Everyone's divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe you don't. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner's, or maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you're relieved, maybe you're heartbroken -- or a bit of both. But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here? And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person? What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?.

What Now? Accept that it’s okay right now to not have all the answers

You learn nothing from life if you're right all the time

PHASE 1: Things Not To Do

  • Denial: Pretending the divorce never happened or downplaying its importance. You refuse to accept that the relationship is over and struggle with trying to find solutions to the marital problems. You will spend time believing that if you do or say the right thing your spouse will come home. You hate feeling out of control of the destiny of your marriage. You will be convinced that divorce is not the solution to the marital problems.Shifting yourself from denial to reality will actually free you in the end and speed up your recovery. It is not what happens but rather the fear of the unknown that can paralyze us
  • Anger: Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life.This hate can come about as a result of feeling that your spouse "ruined" your life, was untrustworthy, or you saw her true colors come out during the legal proceedings. When you despise someone to whom you've been close, you still have an emotional connection to that person. Indifference is the true opposite of love because it means there is no longer an emotional connection between you and your spouse. Only when you reach the place called indifference will you know that you are on the other side of the healing process.You need to control your anger and channel it toward healing. Don’t isolate yourself.dealing with anger due to grief is definitely a skill you need to learn to get over your divorce. If you get angrier, stop what you’re doing and choose another way to let your anger go.
  • Bargaining: Desperately trying anything to gain back the spouse (jealousy, a makeover, promises to never do something again, a vacation together, etc.).It can be because of wanting to avoid the loneliness and sadness that accompanies the divorce, avoiding the stigma that society has regarding divorce, as well as all the gossip that goes with it, wanting to preserve the family because of the children, and avoiding going through all the hassle of the legal and emotional aspects of divorce. Though bargaining may sound like a very desperate thing to do, experiencing it as one of the stages of grief in divorce is normal. This is because even if we know that the divorce is real, human as we are, we still hold on to the hope that everything can get back to normal, that everything can still be restored.
  • Finding a new person too soon/Hookups: If you try to find someone new before getting complete with your divorce grief it could end up hurting you in the long run. Going right out on the hunt again feels good for a while, but bigger problems arise in the new relationship, because you weren't ready and you got into it for the wrong reasons," Tessina says. "To really feel better, you have to face your own responsibility in past relationships that didn't work, make changes and begin having relationships on a brand new basis."Rebound sex can be fun, sure, but it isn't all about you. There's another person in the mix with feelings too — so be sensitive and compassionate for both your sakes so no one gets hurt. "Remember that whomever you sleep with is human, and they have feelings which may bite you in the long run. If you jump into a rebound relationship, you're just masking your pain with the excitement of a new love. If you don't have time to grieve and recover, problems will arise. You need a while after you end this current relationship to evaluate what happened, be on your own and get ready to be with someone else. Otherwise, you'll create a trail of rebound destruction. Do you think it’s possible to replace the love you shared with someone else? It’s not. Relationships are unique, so you can never replace someone you love. It’s not like replacing a car battery or old tennis shoes. If you try to find someone new before getting complete with your divorce grief it could end up hurting you in the long run.
  • Avoid self-destructive behaviorsContinuing improper sleeping and eating habits. Divorce can make for a very stressful time in our lives. With stress comes poor sleep. Sleep helps to restore balance to the body and mind. It regulates chemical processes and produces melatonin, a chemical that helps us heal. Sleep also resets the brain, allowing it to create new memories and learn new things
  • Don’t Intellectualize Your Divorce: Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.Divorce hurts. It doesn’t matter if you initiated it or had no idea it was coming. Some people use the reason for their divorce as justification as to why they shouldn’t feel sad about it.If you “analyze” your painful past memories and trace it to your abusive childhood, do the memories show gratitude to your “aha” moments by never coming back again? If you “argue” with your mind that its obsessions and compulsions are faulty, does it stop creating them? Probably not. If they did, intellectualization would be classified as a “treatment” and not a “defense mechanism”. When a relationship ends, we may spend countless hours dissecting countless situations in an attempt to discover what went wrong. Our minds act like detectives, revisiting scenes and hypothetical situations to find clues and witnesses that attest to what caused the relationship’s end. We recruit friends to become therapists, as we relentlessly analyze our feelings about the one who is no longer a part of our lives. The hours we spend examining and re-examining the past are part of the healing process, but overdoing it can prevent us from living in the present and moving toward the future. Instead of spending hours trying to understand why a relationship ended, we can spend some of that time better understanding who we are without that person in our lives.
  • Social media: Your divorce doesn’t have to be all over Social Media and Facebook doesn’t need to notify you about your Ex. If you can't or don't want to stop or suspend use of social media, don't post anything negative about the other parent or other family members. Nothing disparaging. Nothing derogatory. Don't use social media to vent. Monitor the comments of your family as well. They can be on your side, but they shouldn't attack your child's other parent. Things said online can not be unsaid. What would your children think if they saw what you wrote about their beloved mom or dad? Think about now and also many years from now.avoid disparaging your partner on social media or using your Facebook page to vent about your relationship. If you need to vent, confide in a trusted personal friend in private or talk to a counselor or therapist. Airing marital laundry, even to your "friends list," can make matters worse and might be used against you if you do file for divorce.
Avoid making any radical decisions for at least a year after your divorce.

PHASE 2: Things To Ponder

  • Critical financial questions: where you stand today? Make a list of your most critical financial questions.What are your assets? How much debt do you have? What are your near and far term financial goals? How do you get a job if you are facing your fifties? Financial changes occur when one household becomes two. Some people are used to being supported financially by their partner. Divorce may change this. The sudden budget changes that come with divorce may cause worry, stress, or anxiety.
  • Understand grieving : Understand that you are grieving (or you will be, at some point) and that this is your own, unique divorce recovery path. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Some people recover from grief and resume normal activities within six months, though they continue to feel moments of sadness. Others may feel better after about a year, and sometimes people continue to grieve for years without seeming to improve or find relief even temporarily. Grief can be complicated by other conditions, most notably depression, or by the person’s level of dependency on the departed.
  • Legal questions: Maybe you are finished with the divorce but you must put a new will in place, or now, you’ve just been named Power of Attorney for your aging mother.Request all your files from your attorney(marriage license, divorce decree). Now that your case is final, get all your paperwork back from your case. File away any bank or tax records or other paperwork you need to keep in your regular files. Once you have it, file it away where you can’t see it. Just seeing the box of divorce paperwork can bring up emotions. Keep it out of sight until you decide you can safely shred the contents. Keep a copy of that with your divorce decree. If you plan on changing your name back to your maiden name, you might need the marriage license to establish the name change. Here’s a link on how to change your name after a divorce in California.
  • Emotional concerns: Is it the prospect of being alone? Is it how your divorce will hurt your kids? Do you worry you might burn out your friends, because you sound like a whiny, broken record? Write these down.
  • Professional Help/Counselling : What other professionals do you need to speak to, if not now, eventually? Who will teach you how to do things your mate used to do?
  • Understand that divorce recovery takes time: While nobody knows exactly how long (some researchers say 17 months, others insist it’s three to five years) we know that to advance through the divorce recovery process it requires intention.
Accept that it’s okay right now to not have all the answers.

PHASE 3: Things To Action(now!)

  • Focus on the Future, Commit to Growth and Introspection, And Build a Relationship with Yourself : Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully.Pretending the divorce never happened or downplaying its importance.Smart women channel their energies post-divorce into examining their life, their goals, their mistakes and how they can learn from the past. Instead of jumping into another serious relationship (or spending their time complaining about their ex), they focus on their own life issues. They redefine their priorities and discover what’s meaningful to them. They mature fully into themselves as women whose identity is not tied to the role of mother or wife.
  • Start a new hobby : I was going through a divorce, my writing hobby became obsessive. Every time I felt sad or depressed or angry or scared, I wrote about it. I ended up writing 3 novels in 2 years. It was crazy! But, I view that as a good thing. Delve into something you love and you will be fulfilled and happy, and too focused to think about the fact that you are alone. As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate. “I started writing again. Writing is the essence of who I am but I lost that during my marriage. Writing blog posts helped me get my voice back. I went on to pen how-to articles for websites and eventually was writing for magazines, websites and even HuffPost! Now one of my goals is to enlighten and educate women so they feel empowered and not alone during the divorce process.” — Beth Cone Kramer. Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully.Pretending the divorce never happened or downplaying its importance.
  • Get healthy: Try walking once a day, even if it’s just for 10 minutes outside. Walking reduces depression and lifts mood. Or try an exercise on demand app for your phone. I really enjoy the workouts on http://www.aaptiv.com/Aaptiv. They have treadmill, bike, yoga joggin, and strength training workouts led by trainers.
  • Connect with old friend(s): Desperately trying anything to gain back the spouse (jealousy, a makeover, promises to never do something again, a vacation together, etc.).
  • Forgive : Forgiveness is about setting yourself free, not about the other person. You forgive and do not have to let the other person know that you did so, or even see him again. It is about cutting free any ties that bind you to certain situations or people and letting go of the past. Forgiveness severs the hurt and injustice that binds you both together. Forgiveness is just about letting go and not about getting revenge. Thoughts of revenge keep you connected to that person.
  • Get organized: he smartest women come to terms with the reduced lifestyle they have after divorce. They reaffirm their priorities or commit to changing their lifestyle. They do not rely on their ex-husband as their long-term financial solution, nor do they see “finding another man” as the solution.Smart women take charge of their finances during and after divorce. They hire a financial planner or an accountant to review and organize their finances and map out spending and goals for the next decade. Although daunting at first, this step is immensely empowering.Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.
  • Cut-off negative voices :Reach out to those who support you and ‘unfriend’ or step back from the naysayers. people who bring your mood down with their pessimism, anxiety, and general sense of distrust. One obvious solution is to walk away from them. you may have to take time away from the negative person on a regular basis to maintain your composure. Of course, if you do take time away from them, it would be important to come up with an appropriate “cover story” for it—you don’t want the negative person to feel that you are avoiding her.
  • Face your loneliness: Time to get back into that mindset, you will never be alone if you have family and friends who love you. Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so. Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade ago,Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.
  • Look for Meet Up or support groups for like-minded people: I made friends with other people who were divorced or in the process of divorce. You don’t have to leave your old friends behind post-split but there are just some things that your married friends won’t understand.Find Facebook support groups for women going through a divorce. Are you a part of the Round and Round Rosie Facebook page? You’ll find support and positive thoughts from lots of women who are going through a divorce too.
  • Live. Explore. Try things on: I like the sound of a “life list” much better than a “bucket list.” Don’t think too much but jot down a list of places you want to go, new hobbies to try, movies you want to see, experiences you want to do. Keep this document on your phone and on your laptop so you can see it quickly. Change it often so it reflects where you are now.
  • Open your eyes to new adventures and friends: Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.
  • Do things alone: Part of your grieving is being alone with yourself and rediscovering you. Welcome chances to dine out alone, travel alone, see movies alone… this is part of understanding the difference between what it is to be lonely vs. alone and being okay with that.
  • Stretch yourself:The divorce certainly took you out of your comfort zone in a not so pleasant way, so why not seek ways to stretch yourself that are more fun? Go master the Tango by Air BnB’ing it in Buenos Aires! Go skydiving! Or buy the pickup truck you’ve always wanted and head fly-fishing. Just go.They take inventory of their life, mistakes and all, and devote time and energy to discovering who they are and what they want for their future. This process takes time, patience and dedication, but in the end, these women are able to put their divorce behind them.
  • Allow yourself to trust again: This can be a tough part of your divorce recovery, because surely you’ve been disappointed, hurt, or even crushed along the way. But as you take these steps, you will feel better. You will meet good people and realize that you are able to trust again. You may even open your heart to love again.
  • Join support group or counselling: Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.
  • Get a new email address/social account: You’ll want to begin creating a new online life for yourself, if your old email has your old last name or you shared the email with other family members, get a new gmail email account.
  • Find a good therapist/Counsellor : Try an online therapist! Therapy was truly a life saver during the toughest parts of my divorce. I still want to work on some issues from this difficult life transition so I’m still in therapy, BUT I’m now using Talkspace. It’s an online therapy app that I’m finding is extremely effective, reasonably priced and easy to use. I communicate with my therapist via an app and leave texts or recorded messages. We also do video sessions once a month. I’ve found it to be a wonderful way to do therapy.
  • Get organized: Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.
Avoid making any radical decisions for at least a year after your divorce.

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra

David's TEDx talk describes his latest research on divorce and healing in the aftermath of marital separation. Nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce, and David's research is illuminating new ways to promote recovery after this stressful life even

Disrupting Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter | Sadie Bjornstad

Disrupting Divorce Experience. Defining Your Next Chapter.What’s more, she seeks to establish clarity in how to shape life after divorce. Her research has led her to meet with women across the country and uncover common themes to their experiences. Now Sadie shares the foundation she’s created for navigating relationship transitions on a positive, connected path toward revival and renewal.

Helping Divorced Women Start Over | Oraynab Jwayyed

It’s difficult for working mothers to manage a household and a career, which forces many to exit the workforce to focus on their families. This leaves them at a great disadvantage when they divorce. Their troubles are only magnified when child support and alimony issues arise. Oraynab Jwayyed discusses the obstacles that hold divorced mothers back and how they, and their community, can overcome them.

The impact of divorce on children | Tamara D. Afifi

Tamara Afifi is a Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB. Most of her research focuses on how family members cope communicatively with various challenges they face.